Hanny Carmel (hannyk) wrote,
Hanny Carmel

A Part of Me

This is something I thought about for some time now. I know it's been done before, by many writers, but I don't think I ever did it - writing a story inspired by a song.
So I've been "collecting" songs that inspire me to write TYR fanfiction - some are in English, some are in Hebrew.

This is the first story.

I added the link to the song on YT, and the translation of the song (as this one is in Hebrew). please note that this is a free translation by me, and I hope that nothing got lost in the translation.

Hope you enjoy it.

Day 1

I lay on my bunk, my arm on my eyes, trying to make myself invisible. I can feel her restlessly moving on her bunk above mine, probably just as tormented as I am, but I refuse to care. I’m hurt, angry and humiliated.

She said no, and then had the audacity to hug me. Hug me!

She said no.

I feel like I’m going to be sick.

Why can’t the others go to sleep already so I can cry in the darkness?

My right cheek is throbbing and my bottom lip is sore from Jimmy’s fists, but this is nothing like the pain in feel inside. My whole body aches.

I saw the tears in her eyes when she said no, that she wasn’t ready. Ready for what? Either she loves me like she said or she doesn’t. What is there to be ready for? I just can’t understand this.

God, it hurts so much.

The tears are welling now, so I turn my back to the room. They slide over my nose and left cheek and wet my ear, my hair and my pillow. I hate her for making me cry. I hate her for saying no.

I feel and hear her jump off her bunk and a few second later the door opens and slams shut. It’s not wise to go out in this weather. Jimmy calls her name and then the door opens and slams again. Of course he’s going after her, her knight in shining armor. Now he may have his opportunity with her. He finally got what he wished for. Maybe I should warn him about her, though. She’s traitorous. She will make you fall head over heels for her, and then she will say it isn’t the time.

The door opens and shut again. I won’t check who it is.

“She said she’ll sleep in the barn tonight,” Jimmy informs the others and I can feel the holes his glare burns in my back.

I keep completely still. Maybe he’ll think I already fell asleep and won’t talk to me or ask what I did to her, like he always does. Well, this time, Mr. Hickok, it’s all her doing!

Day 2

She didn’t come in for breakfast this morning. Not that I care. Maybe her new boyfriend can get some breakfast out for her. Yes, here he goes, a plate in one hand, a change of clothes in the other.

A change of clothes? Now he’s bringing her clothes? I’m not hungry anymore. In fact, I feel like I’m going to be sick at the thought of her dressing in front of Jimmy. I push the plate away from me.

“Teaspoon,” I make an effort not to gag, “can I take a couple of days off?”

Teaspoon looks surprised at me. “I’m not sure, Kid… Rachel, how’s the schedule looking?”

“Well, there’s one special run to Ft. Laramie, but other than that, there’s nothing special.”

Teaspoon nods to Rachel, then looks back at me, trying to figure me out. I look away, unable to stand his questioning look. I love this man. He’s more a father to me than my real one ever was, but Lou is also like a daughter to him. He’s always so protective of her, and rightly so, but I’m not sure how he will feel about what happened. Who’s side he’d be on.

They will all have to pick up sides, I guess. I know where Rachel’s heart will probably be. She and Lou are very close. And Lou needs someone to help her through, she looked so sad yesterday…

I shake my head to clear it from these thoughts. I don’t care if she’s sad or not. I don’t care if she’ll be miserable all her life. It’s all her doing.

“Son,” I glance at Teaspoon before I look at my hands. “You can take the run to Ft. Laramie, and then take the couple of days off that you wanted. Will that work out for you?”

I nod and get up to pack my things. “I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”

Now, there’s a new problem. Neither Jimmy nor Lou have returned to the bunkhouse yet, which means, they’re probably still at the barn. Maybe I should ask Ike or Buck for a favor in getting Katy saddled and ready… Ike will do it without asking too many questions.

The door opens. It’s Lou. She’s standing in the doorway, watching me. I turn away from her and continue to pack my things.

She’s still at the door when I am about to go out and she blocks my path. I motion with my hands that I need to pass, looking at the door, at the floor, anywhere but at her expressive beautiful eyes.

“Kid…” she start and make a step towards me.

I take the opportunity that she step away from the door and make my escape from the bunkhouse.

Day 3

I pour the cold coffee into the fire, before I stand up and shuffle dirt into it, making sure not to leave any burning embers. I didn’t get much sleep tonight. I still can’t keep her out of my mind, no matter how much I try.

I woke up a couple of hours ago, before dawn, from a dream. Lou was lying next to me, her head resting on my chest, just over my heart, her arm draped around my torso. I run my hand through her soft hair and kissed the top of her head. I can still smell her scent, her freshness, can still feel the weight of her head on me, in my heart.

It wasn’t a nightmare, but this dream left me in such a turmoil.

I put my hands on my thighs, leaning over, breathing deeply, before I stand up again and mount Katy.

I should arrive in Ft. Laramie later today. Maybe I’ll find a place to stay there for the night, before I continue. I asked Teaspoon for a couple of days off not because I have something to do or someplace to go, but because I couldn’t stay at the station any longer. I thought not being near her will help me to not feel so miserable, but these long hours on the road, with nothing to do but think, only make it worse. I can’t stop thinking about her.

When I asked her to marry me, I’m not even sure I meant now, immediately. I think I wanted or needed to know where we stand, to know if she loves me as much as I love her, if she wants to grow old with me like I do with her.

If she’d said yes, it’s not like I would have dragged her from the barn to the church. I’d give her the time she needed, but I would have her promise. I would have known she feels I’m the only one for her. Maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure all the time, maybe I’d be able to accept her relationship with Jimmy.

Jimmy is my friend. My brother, as we all like to refer to ourselves. What brother goes after his brother’s girl? Jimmy once told me it wasn’t a look of a brother watching a sister when I looked at Lou. Of course it wasn’t, but when was the last time he looked himself in the mirror?



Is there something already going on between them? Was I this blind? Is he the reason she said no?

No… I know Lou… She would never do this to me. She might not love me, but she would never be unfaithful.

Neither would Jimmy.

Katy is slowing, I should probably stop for a little rest.

I sit on the ground, leaning against a tree, picking at the grass. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is warming my skin and all I want is for Lou to be here with me, sitting between my legs, resting against me.

Louise. My beautiful, smart, brave Louise.

My eyes are filling with tears again. God, I hate crying. I hate her for making me cry.

I wish she’d just say yes, just agree to let me love her, take care of her. The problem with this annoying, independant woman is that she’s mistaking wanting to take care of her with smothering her. She thinks I don’t trust her to take care of herself. I do. I know she can do anything she sets her mind to. I know she can handle the world just as good as I can. It doesn’t mean I don’t worry about her. Isn’t this a part of loving someone? It’s like opening a door for a lady. It’s not that I don’t think she can open the door herself, but I would still like to do it for her. She doesn’t get it.

She loves dressing up, acting girly, but not if it’s my idea. Not if I am the one who treats her like a girl.

But she’s a girl. Obviously. I wouldn’t be so much in love with her if she wasn’t. If she wasn’t this annoying, headstrong, independant, wonderful, amazing girl.

I love her so. And I hate her so.

I look up at Katy, maybe she has the answer to this question. How can I love her so much and hate her with just the same ferocity at the same time?

Mounting Katy again. It’s time for me to move on.

Moving on from Louise. Is it even possible?

How can I move on? What other woman could ever replace her? But more importantly, how can I stop loving her? Hating her doesn’t help, it doesn’t do it.

Day 4

Moving on. Another sleepless night in a softer bunk.

I walk into the colonel’s office to deliver the letter. He’s name is Jeremiah. Thinking of Lou again.

Damn, I made it through breakfast without consciously thinking about her. Now I’m back where I started.

The colonel thanks me and I’m outside again, in the busy street. A woman walks with a little girl towards me. The girl has big bright blue eyes, her hair is brown, flowing down her back. The girl can’t be more than five.

I feel my heart twitch. This could be how our child would look like. If she’d said yes.

She didn’t.

I take a deep breath, sobering up. She didn’t.

I asked, and she said no.

Did she say ‘not now’?

I look again, but the child is already gone.

Just like my future with Lou.

I don’t know what I will do in my future without her. A few days ago I couldn’t even imagine it. I still can’t, but I have to. She made it clear… I think…

She said she was sorry, she wasn’t ready.

I said that the timing wasn’t right and she rolled her eyes.

What does it even mean? Could there be a right time?

I told her we can try to go back to the way things were, but I don’t know if we can. I told her that. She hugged me and kissed my neck and looked at me with her impossible big eyes, as if she was hoping for something. What was it? Was she hoping I’d hug her back? Kiss her? Tell her she’s forgiven?

Can I forgive her?

What do I have to forgive her for? Did she really do anything wrong? She hurt me. Yes, but she didn’t hurt me on purpose. I wouldn’t want her to say yes just so she won’t hurt me. She spoke her truth. That’s all I ever wanted from her. To be honest with me. Maybe this is a start. Maybe if I give her time, show her I accept her truth without questions, she will see she can trust me with all her truth.

I go to fetch Katy from the livery stable. I saddle her quickly and mount her, eager to be back home. I will keep my days off for another occasion.

Day 5

Lou is standing on the bunkhouse porch, looking at the horizon. She sees me and goes inside the bunkhouse. Was she waiting for me?

I tie Katy’s reins to the bunkhouse porch railing and enter the bunkhouse. Lou is there. So is Jimmy. Only the two of them. I breath in deeply.

Jimmy stands and walks out, not even sparing me a glance. He’s angry with me, though I really don’t understand why. I’ll deal with him later.

Lou is sitting on my bunk, her head hung low, fumbling with her fingers over the brim of her hat. I guess she’s waiting for me to say something.

“Lou,” I start tentatively. “I think I understand now.”

She looks surprised at me. My heart aches at seeing her red, puffy eyes.

I take another deep breath before I start again. “I love you, and you’ve hurt me when you said ‘no’, but this was your choice, and I accept it. It was hard for me, but I get it now.”

“I love you too, Kid,” she whispers, almost choking. “I just can’t marry you.”

I nod.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

I nod again.

My eyes meet hers and a tear, I didn’t realise was threatening, drops from my eye.

“You will always have a piece of my heart,” I tell her.

Her lips twitch, and a sob escape her. “I know. And I will always carry a piece of you.”

I look at her a moment longer. What is there left to say? I turn and walk out of the bunkhouse, ready to start my life again without her.

A Part Of Me / Harel Skat (lyrics by: Smadar Shir, music by: Dor Daniel)

A part of me will go with you

Wherever you will go

And like a heavy cloud it will cry with you

Even when you will be already smiling

In black, cold nights it will remind you of me

When you will already be far away

And even if you refuse, it will send on my behalf

A smile, an apology and a kiss

If you feel,

Love is not a weakness

Why take just a part of me?

I will remain within you, stubborn, unyielding.

Take whole of me.

A part of me will make you forget

All the bad you left behind

And in bitter darkness it will ask you

Maybe it's time to go back?

A part of me is yours now

I can only hope

That you won't give it to the man that will love you

Because it's mine and it's in secret.

Tags: a part of me, songs
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